Joke of the Week

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.  As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.   After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"  I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

 The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't  done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a  coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He  returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.  The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its peak to its tail and back again.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."  Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250!" she cried.  "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25.  But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

A little boy comes down to breakfast.  Since they live on a farm,  his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little  boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well,  he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a  chicken.  He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed  the pigs, and he kicks a pig.  He goes back in for breakfast and his  mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and  bacon?  Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his  mother says! , "I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.  I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for week either." 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way  across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,  and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I ?"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.  Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.  She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.  She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

 "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,  "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

 "Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

 "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,  "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.

He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door.  He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night ...thought you might like to come...about 5:00."

"Great," says Tom, "after 6 months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you!"

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.  There's gonna be some drinkin.'"

"Not a problem," says Tom.  "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.  "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.   I'll be there.  Thanks again."

Once again, Lars turns from the door.  "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for 6 months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Don't matter.  Just gonna be you and me."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.  The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.  So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.  He tried to stand one more time; same result

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.  Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face.  So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.  When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.  He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.  This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

 "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!  Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago? "

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a  candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways.  Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father!  Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!  How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside.  The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer.  He is a sniffing dog, the best there is.   I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.  It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.  He says "Good boy." 

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

 "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles.  The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. 

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles.  Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.  He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the place.  The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,  "Hi!   I hate drawing welfare.   I'd really rather have a job".

The man behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.   You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're kidding me".

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

"The First Tee"

Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course. I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when  a  voice came over the Clubhouse speaker:  

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee."  

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.  I was still in my  routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.  Again came an  announcement from the Clubhouse.  

"Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."  

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the  speaker  blared out its message. 

 "Would the man on the woman's tee, please back up to the men's tee."  

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window,  directly at  the person with the microphone, cupped my hands over my mouth, and  shouted  back.  

"Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my  second  shot."

A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and calls to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looks a little puzzled, but brings him the beer.

When he finished it, he says, "Quick, bring me another beer, it's gonna start!"

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him his beer.

When that one was gone, he shouts, "Quick, another beer before it starts!"

She blows her top. "That's it, you bastard.  You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello, and then expect me to run around like your slave.   Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighs, "Oh shit, it's started."

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.   They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.   The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.   The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.   The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.   The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.  She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.  "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!   Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.  I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

Bill came home from his Sunday Golf later than usual and looked very tired.   His wife humored him, "Bad day on the Golf Course?"

"Everything was going fine," he said matter of factly. "I was having the best game of my life.  I was 5 under par through the front nine.  Then on the 10th tee Carl had a heart attack and died."

"Oh my lord,  that's terrible!" replied his wife.

"You're right, it was terrible.   For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Carl, hit the ball, drag Carl."

A couple years ago, while visiting England , George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.  She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.   "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.   "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.   Please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.   She hangs up and says,  "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am.   Thanks a lot.   I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir.  What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"  Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.

Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.  Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.  Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!  It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world.   After her talk she offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess.  Senator Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?  Oh, that's right, question time.  Who has a question?" 

A different little boy puts his hand up;  Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

 "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags.  I won the damn lottery!"

The wife says, "Oh my God!  No kidding?!   What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

 The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter.  Just get the hell out!"

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation.  But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass.  Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Sometimes the word arrangement in church bulletins produces hilarious reading.   Below are some examples.   All are authentic, taken directly from announcements made in churches.

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of this church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk, please come early.

3. Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in his study.

5. The service today will end with "Little Drops of Water."  One of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

6. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

7. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

8. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet.  All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

9. Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.  

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.  The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. 

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.  About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...

"Will you get lost!   I'm trying to poop!"

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.  When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."  Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.  Smack him again!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.  Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.  When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.  Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.  So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

 He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears.  I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."

 "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.  At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand.  He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

 The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

 He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.  Why, just look at his pretty little eyes!  Did his doctor say he can see good?"

 The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

 Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses”.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar.  She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.  When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer When he does so, she begins to  gently caress his full beard.  

"Are you the manager?" she asks softly, stroking his face with both hands.  

"Actually, no" the man replies.  

"Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.  

"I'm afraid I can't but is there anything I can do?"  

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth! and allowing him to suck them gently.  

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.  

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."